A TheWordWire Reader Gets Good and Bad News
	In response to Pageantry of the Office: We Forgot to Say, "No Offense", a commentator asks: "I too am now researching the Mrs. America pageant circuit. Will I catch swine flu for being such a pig?" — Jim on TheWordWire, May 1, 2009
Photo Creidit: The Pug Father on Flickr
TheWordWire Replies: The good news, Jim, is that you will not contract swine flu or go blind from reading TheWordWire. The bad news, which I don't know how to break gently, is that your confession lands you squarely on "The List." Item #382: Never date a guy who wants to pick-up on aging beauty queens.

"The List" is a real document. Officially dubbed the "Never Date A Guy Who..." list, it began on a napkin in a pizza joint and grew exponentially from there. It's so legendary among an extended group of girlfriends from college that there's debate about its true origins. But it is agreed that it went something like this:

Diva #1: How was your date with So-and-So

Diva #2: I don't think it's going to work out. He considers his bong one of his roommates.

Diva #3: Oh for God's sake. Never date a guy who considers his bong a roommate.

Diva #1: Write that down.

The complete "Never Date A Guy Who..." list is the intellectual property of a collection of wise, wonderful and funny women. Authorship of many of its little pearls is simply unknown — Before social networking... before most of the world had email, in fact, this dating wikipedia went viral the old fashioned way: word of mouth about the paper and pen taped to a fridge door. At parties women would stand in line to add their two cents. I witnessed a stumbling drunk guy ask one such queue if they were in line for the can — that guy is so on "the list."

[editor's note: the original publishing of this post read: "I witnessed a stumbling drunk guy ask one such que ..." Rufus astutely pointed out that one should never date a chick who can't spell queue. Touché!]

I couldn't put my hands on my current phone bill at this moment, but I've got [most of] the fifteen year-old NDG list right here. Long ago typed and electronically archived, a principal author sent it to me recently. Now I know what you single girls are thinking: "How will I know not to date a guy who thinks origami has something to do with sex unless you tell me what's on the list?" Patience, my friends. Patience.

"The Never Date a Guy Who" list deserves more than just a mention here. That's why eventually it will have it's own blog — a modern forum for that kitchen line so long ago. I'll be having a board meeting with some other principal authors in a few weeks and we'll decide whether or not to officially add Jim. I promise — it is flattering to be among such good company on "The List." Our husbands, our boyfriends and most importantly ourselves are on there at least three times a piece.

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