It has occurred to me this morning that I am a one-woman Tower of Babel. I learned a bit of Spanish in school — enough to find my way home from Tijuana, but I don't consider myself bi-lingual. Reflecting on things I might like to use this forum to say, however, I realized that I don't give myself enough credit. I am fluent in many languages...

The King's English — This is my official native tongue. I speak, write and understand the American dialect of it fluently. I could even diagram a sentence if challenged.

Corporate Speak — It's been so long since I've lived in that country, I'm starting to feel like an ex-pat. But trust me. I give great conference call.

Surfer Dude — Except for words like "Allgood" (Chill out) ... "Wahine" (Hot chick).... and "Bail" proceeded by "I'm going to" (I'm tired of talking to you) ... this is mostly a non-verbal language. It's a tone and posture that does the communicating. The word "Duuuuuuuude" is simply implied.

Hip-Hop 2002 - 2003 — This is a language that evolves quickly. Soon as expressions enter the mainstream lexicon, insiders come up with something more clever to say. My intimate familiarity with the lingo of '02-'03 was picked up during a stint working in radio, a cultural anthropologist's dream.

Newfoundland English — Me Mudder speaks this when she's on the phone with her sisters. I can translate, but sound as unconvincing to trained ears when trying to imitate it as Kyra Sedgwick's corn-pone accent in The Closer does to American Southerners.

Southern Woman — I can identify a fake drawl even with the volume down, because I also speak Southern. Southern Woman, to be specific, which is a distinction many don't recognize.

Though I spent the early part of my life as a military brat moving every few years, I self-identify as a Southerner. My father is from Alabama, and we made frequent visits there. I spent middle school through college years in Georgia, and you can't unlearn cultural cues you pick up at that age. Since I left the south, I've discovered just how nuanced the dialect is. I'd like to bridge the gap and share some information that people from other regions tend to find helpful and amusing.

When little southern girls leave the house, they're told to "Be sweet!" Have fun, drive safe, and use your head are understood. But above all else, southern girls are expected to "act right." It's not socially acceptable to confront or argue — Butter is not supposed to melt in their mouths. That's why you'll likely never be overtly insulted by a proper southern woman unless you know her well. Casual encounters are usually sprinkled with sugar. It somehow surprised me that people outside of the south don't instinctively understand this unspoken "sweetness" rule. So if you're reading this in the mid-west or New England, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news: If a southern woman blesses your heart, she's most likely calling you an idiot.

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